Category: Relationship Counselling

The Ego: an Understanding of Self and all it Creates

Published on by Tony Kane

The Ego

The Ego is that part of you that you present to the outside world; it is the “you” that your friends, partners, wives, husbands and the world perceive you to be. The Ego has been created from all the events and experiences that have happened to you from the time of your birth up until now. Your ego relates to others through the use of its body; its eyes, mouth, ears, nose and its tongue (speech). 

The ego can either be conscious of itself, which means that it knows its own triggers and fears and takes responsibility for them, or it will be unconscious and not aware of anything except that it is being triggered into responding in a way that is not only upsetting and unacceptable to the partner but is upsetting and unacceptable to itself; responsibility for the responses it has will be fault of anything or anyone but itself. 

Your Story

Everyone has a story; that story is the life you have lived from the day of your birth. The very second you heard and recognised your name, you became an identity; an identity the ego was happy to assume. From there on, the events that occurred to you and in which you participated in have assisted in creating the story in which the ego portrayed to the world.  You (or the Ego) are the participator in the art of living life; the problem started when you (the ego) believed that you were/are the thoughts and feelings about the life you are participating in. The events you have participated in have created beliefs, values and morals which you now fully believe are you and you will defend them come what may. The events and stories are valid but they are not you or the ego; they are just events that have occurred. The beliefs, values and morals that currently direct your life have been created because of the fears you felt whilst living and participating in life. The fears are real enough because fear itself is trying hard to keep you from making the same mistake twice. Fear itself is natural enough; but its job is to save your life in a life threatening situation but not interfere with your everyday experience where there is no life threatening event happening.

The Unconscious Ego

This is the ‘you’ that is trapped in the never ending cycle of thinking and thought. Some attributes of the Unconscious Ego are:

• The Unconscious Ego dislikes itself to the point of craving freedom from itself but uses anything external to accomplish it. For example: the unconscious ego will try to feel completed within itself by attaching itself to another person (unhealthy and co-dependency) or another thing (a drug, possessions or an unhealthy addiction). 

• The Unconscious Ego is not conscious of itself or the fact that it is thinking. The first question the Unconscious Ego needs to ask, to become conscious is “What am I thinking?” or “Who is thinking?” As soon as the Unconscious Ego asks itself these questions, it begins a journey of the discovery of itself; it has started to become a Conscious Ego; but the journey doesn’t stop there.

• It will not take responsibility for its actions or thoughts; it will look outside itself to apportion blame upon others actions and words, or it will blame some ‘thing’. The unsettled feeling it has experienced will always be the fault of something or someone else. It will not recognize the unsettled feelings it is experiencing are of its own making but does not have the ability to discover the ease of those feelings until it is pointed back to itself, in which case it is very likely to fall into denial unless it begins to take notice of its own feelings and accept them as its own.

• In some cases the Unconscious Ego will feel numb to anything outside itself and certainly not within itself. This numbness is the inability to feel and/or the denial of its feelings toward itself and/or the outside world. It is seen as a ‘safe place’ because nothing experienced can find its way through to the reality of itself. It feels safe because it feels nothing; in essence it has removed itself from the reality of life and can be seen by others as an emotionless, uncompassionate and unmoved personality.

• The Unconscious Ego is powerless and feels it must keep the focus of others on it by grandstanding and manipulation. It doesn’t trust itself and therefore can’t trust others; it finds it almost impossible to love others generously and without complication because it cannot love itself just the way it is. It always has to work hard to be noticed because it can’t or won’t be attentive and take contemplative notice of itself; it is insecure but at the same time will try to portray security by puffing up its own importance over others.

The Conscious Ego

The Conscious Ego is the Unconscious Ego being conscious and aware of itself. As soon as the Unconscious Ego turns toward itself for the answers it not only knows it has but wants to experience, it becomes conscious of itself. It sits quietly behind and amidst the noise created by the incessantly thinking and highly dependent unconscious ego.

In stark contrast to the Unconscious Ego, some attributes of the Conscious Ego are:

• The Conscious Ego knows itself well. It is very aware when it is thinking and of what it is thinking. It is always looking inward for its own wisdom and answers to events that life gives it. It is not looking for itself in any other or anything because it knows, without doubt, what and who it is. It allows its thoughts to be thought and feelings to be felt but will not project them onto others, because it knows it is the only one who owns them.

• Faithful; it is true to itself

• Generous; it sees itself as a gift to be given

• Long Suffering and patient; receives suffering and sorrow gladly because it understands the true meaning of them; patiently waiting and knowing the lesson will be apparent, bringing the end to its suffering. 

• Peaceful; it seeks peace within itself.

• Content with itself; It is satisfied just the way it is without trying to be what it is not.

• Caring and committed to itself and its well being. 

• It is understanding and compassionate to itself.

• Sacrificial; knowing it has nothing to lose or gain (puts the higher cause first and not self) because it knows it has everything at its disposal. 

• It is humble; knowing that there is something greater than itself it is seeking, but knows it is already ‘one’ with.

Notice that the Conscious Ego and all its understandings and perceptions are about itself. The person who is conscious or has a conscious ego will seek his/her own truth within themselves and then share that ‘self’ with those people he/she communicates with, without any effort, feelings of intimidation or fear of rejection and is able to freely speak his/her own truth. 

The Simplicity of it all

I am very aware that most of the above may very confusing, so in short, just remember this: the ego is the ‘you’ that you are offering to your partner and the rest of the world; all your actions, reactions and so forth. But also remember that you (or your ego) can be manipulated by the ‘story’ you have lived in your life; you are living the story of past relationships, past events whether good or bad; the ‘story’ is your life education, when none of it actually exists; they are just memories stored in the brain.

A conscious person will always have some sort of ‘method’ to remain conscious; whatever the method is, it will be as simple as ‘looking inside’ his/herself to discover the depth of themselves. On the other hand, the unconscious person will always be looking outside themselves (the events, people around them, objects they may own, etc) with the expectation of discovering themselves within them. 

Examples: 

1. Conscious Person: whilst partaking in an event (maybe a heated discussion or some sort of financial stress), this person will take into account all of their feelings and thoughts about the event but not attach themselves to them; rather this person will acknowledge all the feelings, remain calm and focused on expressing themselves from the heart without fear. They know they are responsible for their actions and are fully responsible for a mutual or better outcome. Personal empowerment is a natural occurrence within a conscious person. This conscious person will know without doubt that every decision they make will be subject to outside judgement and perspectives but they know themselves so well that any outside influence, although it may come into consideration, will not interfere with their decision making process and desired outcome which will benefit all around them; the ‘greater good’ is the highest consideration and not just themselves, even though the decision may not be a popular one. As and when mistakes occur (and they will), this person will not suffer guilt, easily admit to mistakes and rectify them.

2. Unconscious Person: whilst partaking in an event (maybe a heated argument or some sort of financial stress), this person will not be conscious of the fact they are thinking their thoughts or be conscious of their feelings. Everything will be perceived as the fault of everything and/or everyone else. Personal responsibility is not an option and therefore the ability to produce a mutually beneficial or better outcome is also not an option, unless forced into it. The feeling of being forced into a mutually beneficial outcome will be perceived as aggravating and a loss of control of any event; in this case they are correct, in that they never had the personal empowerment to control themselves, let alone the event. Doubt will almost always manipulate any decision making because it is based upon outside influences without any consideration to self. The result of any decision making processes, even though outside influences may have been utilised, will ultimately only benefit self; the ‘greater good’ will not have been seen or recognised. With any mistakes that occur, this person will very rarely take responsibility or admit to failure and project the failure onto something or someone else. 

What is a ‘Method’ to becoming Conscious?

Personally, meditation has been the method I have used with the greatest success. In saying this, there seems to be a misunderstanding with regard to meditation. It seems to have become a series of complicated processes that most just want to avoid. Meditation in itself is very simple in application and probably the most rewarding even as a beginner. The more it is practiced, the more mindful a person becomes. As he/she expands mindfulness, a perception of something bigger within begins to develop; an awareness of what many people call the ‘Higher Self’ which is what I believe to be the ‘Conscious Ego’ (or consciousness) is achieved. After practicing meditation to reach this stage of awareness, meditation becomes a way of living in everyday life; by this I mean a person will consciously connect with their consciousness even while doing work, daily chores and even the most mundane jobs around the house. Everything begins to have a purpose that may not have been perceived previously; life changes for the better. The added benefits are that many issues such as anxiety, anger, depression, and motivational issues begin to disappear quite naturally. 

The added benefits may not be immediately perceived because it takes a bit of effort and persistence to maintain a practice of a mindful meditation on a daily basis. Many of my clients assert they do not have the time, but as I repeatedly suggest:

1) It only takes 10 minutes of quietness without distraction (so turn off your phone) per day. And if you can do that twice per day that’s even better. Even 5 minutes is better than zero minutes! Everyone can find a place of peace and quiet; try a park, go to the beach, take a nice warm bath, you could even try it in the toilet….no one is going to interrupt you there (one would hope!). Yes I know it’s difficult but if you really desire to see change in your life you will be focused on making time for yourself.

2) The suggestion that you don’t have time would tend to mean that during your daily life, you are not putting yourself first and looking after the most important part of yourself; which is you! This is the main reason you are having difficulty in the first place! You are putting everything and everyone else first; that is being unconscious which is the very thing you are trying not to be! For just 10 minutes a day put yourself up as number 1! 10 minutes a day that’s all it takes.

Many have come to me and said they have found an app on their phone to assist them to meditate and, although I say that this is ok to start with, you’d really want to learn how to practice meditation without gadgetry to assist you. There are two main reasons for this: 1) You will become dependent on something outside of yourself to discover your authentic self; in essence this doesn’t because now you are focusing on an external device to lead the way. Your authentic self will get hidden behind the dependency of the phone. So if you need to start meditation by using an app, put a limit on the amount of times you think you have to use it, and then gradually wean yourself off it. 2) Your phone has a tendency to be the distraction subconsciously; in that I mean most people subconsciously expect their phones to beep and buzz as messages come in. The subconscious part of your mind is just waiting for the distraction; the expectation of the distraction is the distraction.

An Awareness Exercise to Try

Being ‘Aware’ is, most definitely being aware that you are thinking. It goes further than this though, in that, the object of the exercise is to become aware that you are the awareness. The more you sense that you are the awareness, you will sense a freedom and greatness within you that has no connection to your thinking at all. (Please don’t try this while you are driving or focusing on an activity that may cause injury. Pick a time that is relaxing and comfortable for you in which you are doing nothing. This time is for you and you alone)

1) At any time during the day or night, stop what you are doing whatever it may be. Allow your thoughts to materialize.

2) Observe them without entertaining them or connecting with them. Don’t judge or label them. Just observe them.

3) Now, ask yourself “Who is the observer of my thoughts?”

4) Once you have sensed or located the feeling of being the observer, focus on it (the observer). The observer is Awareness; you have connected with awareness itself and the awareness is the real you, without being interfered with by thought. 

It’s almost like looking through the window of your mind, knowing that the mind and its thoughts are not the real you; the real you is the one looking through the window; Awareness itself.

Meditation does exactly the same thing but you are more able to focus on being the observer of your thoughts and that you are thinking. There are no distractions to take your focus away from your Inner Self. By practicing meditation in this way, you will very quickly discover your conscious self without the effort of focusing; you are training your mind and taking back control of one of the most powerful parts of your body. By becoming your own consciousness, your ego has no option but to follow you and life around you also has no option but to become a more liveable, prosperous and abundantly happy place in which to live.

The Main Points: 

1) When observing your thoughts, you are observing that you are thinking; what you are thinking is not of importance at this stage, so try not to involve yourself with them; just see them as objects.

2) While observing that you are thinking, try to be aware of what (or who) is observing; this is your conscious self. It doesn’t get itself entangled in the thoughts themselves; it just observes the thoughts without judgement or connection with them. 

I hope you have enjoyed this article and that it may have assisted you in becoming your free, conscious and authentic self. Within this conscious self you will discover your real power to life; the life you have desired. In amongst it all you may well discover that your desires will change because of the discovery of your authenticity and that is the beginning of self empowerment. The next article to be posted soon will be on the subject of Levels of Consciousness and Awareness. 

If you feel you require help with any of this please do not hesitate to call or email me.

Tony Kane 0474 570 063

Email: tony@tonykanecounselling.com

Meditation & Becoming The Observer

Published on by Tony Kane

The Problem: Being Unaware of Thought

The problem is not what we think and not that we think; thinking is easy and we connect with our thoughts without a moment’s notice.

“Thinking is easy and we do it all the time without even knowing we are thinking”

Within this statement is the secret of reconnecting with our reality as beings of creation.

  1. Thinking is easy. This part of the statement is fairly obvious. It’s easy! Too damned easy!  But we do it all the time and there’s no way you are going to stop it. Yes you can slow it down but to try to stop it is almost impossible unless you’re really good at being mindful and have been meditating for a number of years, in which you consciously stop your thoughts and enable consciousness and awareness. But the plain fact it is that most who try meditation find it extremely difficult, haven’t got the time or find it an arduous task. Or we’ve become lazy!
  2. Because thinking is real easy, so many people aren’t aware they are thinking in the first place. Awareness is the ability to know when you are thinking; it’s not necessarily the content that is the issue; although without some sort of awareness of what thoughts are being processed, depending on the person, some thoughts may be extremely damaging.
  3. Then there are those who have become addicted to thought and can’t or won’t release themselves from their thought life. They have completely identified with their thoughts and believe this is who and what they really are. In this state of mind, all sense of personal power has been lost and everything external becomes a powerful and uncontrollable force in which there is no ease of living. Life becomes exhausting, a drudge, boring and in most cases, a huge fight for existence. They have become victims to themselves and no-one else.

This is: “I think therefore I am” in which your thoughts become your creation.

An Awareness Exercise to Try

Being ‘Aware’ is, most definitely being aware that you are thinking. It goes further than this though, in that, the object of the exercise is to become aware that you are the awareness. The more you sense that you are the awareness, you will sense a freedom and greatness within you that has no connection to your thinking at all. (Please don’t try this while you are driving or focusing on an activity that may cause injury. Pick a time that is relaxing and comfortable for you in which you are doing nothing. This time is for you and you alone)

1)      At any time during the day or night, stop what you are doing whatever it may be. Allow your thoughts to materialize.

2)      Observe them without entertaining them or connecting with them. Don’t judge or label them. Just observe them.

3)      Now, ask yourself “Who is the observer of my thoughts?”

4)      Once you have sensed or located the feeling of being the observer, focus on it (the observer). The observer is Awareness; you have connected with awareness itself and the awareness is the real you, without being interfered with by thought.

It’s almost like looking through the window of your mind, knowing that the mind and its thoughts are not the real you; the real you is the one looking through the window; Awareness itself.

Meditation

Meditation does the same thing if followed correctly. If you have a quick observation of the above exercise, you may notice it is a form of meditation with your eyes open or while you are doing things in the here and now. Meditation in the here and now is the most important ingredient to discover awareness of self.

Attempting to create a world by imagining positive scenarios is nice and one way of connecting with your desires but does nothing, on its own, to create an awareness of self, if that’s as far as it goes. In a way, you’re in a dream state without the ability to create your dream; it has the potential of becoming a frustration and the death of a perfectly valid and potential way of life (your life being the one dreamt of).

One of the best ways to create your dream is to view it in meditation but as the observer (as in the exercise above) or as the awareness of your dreamt of life. The observer or awareness of the dream is power and creation energy in itself. It is the one behind everything, making it possible to create your dreams.

I have always asked myself “Do I want the dream or do I want to be the ‘creation energy’ itself to create the dream?” In itself, the dream is nothing but a desire that is pointing you back to the origin of creation; the origin of creation is within you and not within the dream. My answer has always been to discover the origin of creation and not worry about the dream because I know the origin of creation already knew about the dream anyway; the origin of creation is the energy that runs through you right now. It doesn’t stop because you cease to become aware of it. It is always there, always has been and always will be. It is you; but you are not it and that is the issue most people have to deal with. Another way of saying this is: “You are not creation in itself but creation in and of itself is you”; you can’t become it, you become aware of it because it is already you. It is a paradox that may not make any sense at all unless you are beginning to understand ‘Awareness’ of yourself. Another very apt paradox to contemplate is: “Everything that you desire to be can only be found in the nothing that you are”.

The Here and Now

Paradoxes have a way of confusing the mind and bringing us into the here and now. Another way to understand the ‘Here and Now’ is through the use of the word ‘Presence’. Presence is being aware and conscious of ‘Now’. It is the only thing that exists outside the mind. The mind will attempt to keep us within the past or create a future based on known events (memories) that have happened in our lives whether they are good or bad; it then tries to create a future based on those same events, none of which exist in the present moment; the ‘Now’ moment. To experience life outside those thoughts of past and future is to experience the only thing that exists; the Present Moment or ‘Presence’ itself.

There has been a lot of confusing information regarding how to experience ‘Presence’ but the answer is actually fairly simple. As and when you decide to experience being the observer of your world; that is, the thoughts and dreams you are having which are being created by the mind; or become awareness itself, you have automatically walked into Presence. You quite literally become Presence in that minute moment of time. The longer you practice being awareness the longer presence sticks around.

This is “I am therefore I think” in which all creation exists and becomes your thought.

I hope you’ve enjoyed reading this and have been able to remind yourself of the creation that you are. Your perfection, your life and all that is available to you can only be found within you; have fun with the ‘Awareness Exercise’ and discover yourself. You may be interested in The Happiness Project in which all the above is taught and in which the participants, very easily, learn to become aware and conscious of creation itself.

Self Awareness

Published on by Tony Kane

The Body

Self Awareness is not something that comes without a bit of work but you can begin to be aware relatively quickly. The starting point, of course is to begin to be aware of your ‘self’. Throughout history, there have been so many teachers and sages pointing to a separate ‘me’ which is permanent and more real than the ‘me’ that is perceived as being the body, including the thoughts and feelings being experienced within the physical body.

Try this and you will see what I mean:

  • Go to a mirror and observe your body for a few minutes.
  • While you are observing your body, look into the eyes of your image in the mirror
  • Now ask yourself (either quietly or aloud) “Is this my body?”
  • Now, who asked the question? Your body or something else that exists within your body?
  • Who or what is observing your body? Who is the observer and what is being observed?

This would suggest that at the moment the question was asked, whatever owns the body is not the body. And the body is not a permanent entity; it changes over a period of time and finally ‘gives up the ghost’.

Thoughts and Feelings

What about thoughts and feelings; aren’t they the ‘me’ or ‘I’? They may seem that way; in fact they may seem more ‘me’ than the body; but the truth of the matter is that thoughts and feelings come and go just like the body, and most of them are not our own or not under our control. The ego is affected by these thoughts and feelings, but the thoughts and feelings are a process of the brain and essentially not solid or real; they have no form. If thoughts and feelings are not real, then it would suggest that the ego is not a ‘thing’ in and of itself; it cannot be destroyed nor should it be considered for destruction.

The identification with thought, feelings and body is the issue that keeps us from being aware of the real self. When you become aware of the silence between thoughts; focusing on the silence, you will become aware of awareness itself; you will become aware of your real self. If you have been able to experience the ‘Mirror Image’ process above, you will have begun a process of ‘consciousness’ or awakening.

The Self that is No Thing

After experiencing the above process a few times, you will, hopefully, get a sense of being an observer; observing your body (physical) and, with a bit of focus off your mind, observing your thoughts and feelings (mental); almost as if they are not the ‘you’ you thought you were; but you are living in a body that looks the way it does and it experiences thoughts and feelings that can be observed but not have to be entertained or argue with.

The observer is what I call the ‘Natural State’. For you, enlightenment may only go as far as this level of consciousness, but there is more yet. As I understand it, if you have experienced separation from your body and thoughts, you are experiencing your Natural State otherwise known as your Ego free from external influences; some know this as spirit or essence of self. This is the way you were born before you were taught to think and allowed your thoughts to take you away from your essence. It has no form but lives within one (your body); it has no identification with anything apart from itself. It is no ‘thing’ but it is the real you.

Once awareness and consciousness is activated within a person the realization that all things are a part of the aware self and not separate from it becomes very apparent; in fact the aware self is the creation of all things but knows it is not creation itself. To intellectually understand this, it has to become a discovery via experience only. No words and no thought can adequately explain any of it.

But Wait! There’s More!

The more you step back and discover space or silence, the more conscious of consciousness you become aware of; you become consciousness itself. Consciousness itself is that energy we have inadequately called God. God, from my point of view, is Creation itself. It needs to be understood, if you haven’t understood it yet, that God is an energy that pervades everything that exists, has existed, and is yet to exist, which includes yourself. God/Creation is moving through you right now and is conscious of all your thoughts and feelings, actions and reactions. So apart from stepping back from your body, thoughts and feelings, you can step back from your ‘Natural State’ and become aware of the power of consciousness and creation that you are. Once completed, you come to the realization that because you are creation, there is no need to concern yourself with the issues that are outside of yourself that create anxiety, depression, illness and dis-ease within the body. They are there but cease to exist within you.

Creation is your right

You can then begin to create your life the way you have always dreamt. Your dreams have always been the indication of what and who you actually are. You have probably been chasing them; some have been created but then again maybe not. As you begin to become conscious and aware that you are creation, you will discover the understanding and knowledge that you are the dream right now. You begin to create your desires as if they were actually happening in the present moment. For most people this in itself is a dream; that is because they have not been able to step back from themselves to discover what they rightfully are. Most get disheartened and give up living a life of ‘boring normality’. If this is you, you need to know that you have as many chances to begin the process of creation any time you want. Right now is a great time! Never give up!

It doesn’t stop

As you become aware of your very powerful self, you will also discover your authenticity. You will become what you are and who you are; your ego will happily portray to the outside world that which you know is the real you, without any care or hang ups about what others think. You exit the ‘matrix’ and enter reality, affecting the world around you in extremely positive ways. You will become fully aware that the world and everything in it, including other people around you are connected to you through creation; you become one with creation and the rest of creation becomes one with you; no separation at all.

Relationships begin to heal

During my counseling with couples, I have taught couples to be aware and conscious of themselves and not necessarily too much of each other; this brings each partner into an awareness of themselves as creation and love; the two major foundations of all relationships. I have witnessed the relationship itself take on new life as each step of awareness comes into being within each partner. As each step is followed, new life begins to pour from each partner to each other. Healing within each partner takes place and therefore the relationship follows the healing. Not only does the relationship heal, but if there are any children involved, they too become participants and are healed of any damage created by the dysfunctional relationship. The partners become one with creation and each other, simply because they now know they are one and always have been; no separation! Rather than being ‘in love’ with each other, you are fully aware that you ‘are love’ with each other.

I hope you’ve enjoyed reading this and have been able to remind yourself of the creation that you are. Your perfection, your life and all that is available to you can only be found within; have fun with the ‘Mirror Image’ process and discover yourself. You may be interested in The Happiness Project (click on link) in which all the above is taught and in which the participants, very easily, learn to become aware and conscious of themselves as creation. I leave you with a little poem written by Kalu Rinpoche:

“We live in illusion and the appearance of things.

There is a reality, we are that reality.

When you understand this, you will see “you” are nothing.

And, being nothing, you are everything.